The Difference Between a Mentor and a Coach (and a Therapist and Spiritual Director) and Why You Need One
Bob Hyatt
Jun 17, 2019

The Blue Brothers may not have said it first, but they certainly said it best:  Everybody needs somebody . For the leader, this is especially true. The loneliness and difficulties inherent in ministry can lead us further and further into isolation. And for those of us in pastoral leadership, the anxiety, depression and poor decisions that can be brought on by isolation mean we should avoid isolation at all costs. 

So, you need someone, but  who ?

There are four main options for leaders seeking to connect with someone who can help them in leadership and ministry.

The first is a mentor. A mentor is one who gives you the benefit of his or her experience and learning. You ask them questions and they tell you  their answers. Like a mother or father-figure, they invest in you by giving you their time and their stories. The expertise in the relationship lies with them as does, by and large, the agenda. They have some lessons they think you will benefit from learning. The problem is, mentors are few and far between- if you want one, you’ll need to pursue him or her. Find someone whose life and ministry you admire and want to emulate, and then ask them for some of their time. Don’t be surprised if they say no- if you see value in having some of their time, chances are others do too. You may have to ask more than once. 

The second is a coach . A coach is vastly different than a mentor. While a mentor tells you their stories and comes to the relationship with their own agenda, a coach flips that and works completely on your agenda. Their concern is in asking what your goals are, and then asking good, open-ended questions which will help you figure out how you are going to get there. Good coaches ask rather than tell. The expertise in the relationship lies with you, the client, and your agenda- you are the only one who knows where you want to go, and what you’ll have to do to get there. The coach is merely there to help you figure it out. The good news is there’s an abundance of coaches out there. But since most of them don’t work for free, you’ll have to invest if you want good coaching. And trust me, there’s a difference between good coaching (client-focused, question-based) and poor coaching (coach-focused, with more telling than asking). 

Beyond mentors and coaches, there are therapists and spiritual directors. 

A therapist is someone who listens to your stories and gives you the benefit of their learning. The vast majority of them, working with a cognitive-behavioral orientation, are focused on your current thinking and beliefs that lead to issues and problems in your life. The agenda is set by you, and the problems you’d like help untangling. They ask what you are thinking when you do such and such, or when such and such happens, and then help you adjust that thinking to achieve different outcomes. Good therapists ask good, open-ended questions and spend a lot of time listening, but ultimately the expertise in the relationship lies with them, as they diagnose the thinking errors they are hearing and help you come up with alternate ways of looking at things. While a mentor is (hopefully) a long-range or even life-long relationship, and a coach a mid-range one year to two year relationship, a relationship with a therapist can range from weeks to months to years, depending on the need. There are a lot of therapists out there, but finding one that “fits” can sometime take a couple of tries. 

Lastly, a spiritual director is something of a combination of all three of the above. Like a coach or therapist, the agenda is set by you and what you feel is important to talk about. But like a mentor, they may share the benefits of what they have learned, particularly as it relates to listening to God and living the spiritual life. Their concern is helping you to hear God and figure out what it looks like to respond appropriately. The agenda is ostensibly set by you, but really by God, as He is invited to be at the center of the conversation, directing, nudging, speaking. The expertise in the relationship is spread between you, as you relate what it is you are hearing from God, the spiritual director, as he or she expertly helps you listen and tune your ears to hear the voice of God, and God Himself, as He directs the conversation and relationship in a way which brings formation in your life. 

I was lucky that God brought me into just such a relationship at just the right time. I was about 6 years or so into a church plant and staring down the barrel of burnout. I hadn’t yet fallen off the cliff, but I could see it fast approaching and knew that if I didn’t get some help, I would surely tumble over. I knew of a man in town who had spent years in ministry and after getting his doctorate in spiritual formation had transitioned to being a coach and spiritual director to pastors. So, after seeking him out, I told him over coffee the state my soul was in. 

We talked for awhile that day and I immediately felt encouraged. I was encouraged to know I had an objective listener, one who was willing to listen to me complain about my situation and gently, so gently, push back on the pieces I was maybe fooling myself about. I came back the next month, and in fact nearly every month in the nine years since. It was bracing to find support, counsel, a listening ear, and a wise presence all in one place. He has helped me listen to God, and figure out what I should do in response. What my coach/spiritual director has provided for me has been invaluable, and so certainly worth the roughly $75 a month our church paid to support what he is doing. 

So- back to the beginning. Everybody needs somebody. Most of us need a mentor or a coach. Many of us could use a therapist. Nearly all of us need a spiritual director. 

If you are in the first few years of pastoring, you may think your top need is a mentor- someone to tell you what they did so you can do the same. That’s not going to be as helpful as you believe. Mentors are at their best when they are sharing life lessons with us, not ministry strategies that may or may not translate into our own context. Seek out a coach instead- maybe one who has done something similar to what you are doing, so there can be a bit of mentoring mixed in, but who will ask you the good questions that will help you define your priorities, goals and ways to get there. Church planters especially need coaches, as they often have vague-yet-exciting ideas about what they want to do and create. A coach can help you drill down to nuts and bolts, and see the best way to achieve what you want to achieve.

 Additionally, coaches can help those who have been pastoring for awhile but are beginning to realize that what got them where they are probably won’t take them any further. They know they are facing more complex ministry issues than they have had to in the past, and need someone to help them figure out how to make it all work. A good coach can you unlock your thinking, clarify what’s really important, and see the way forward.

If you are deep in the weeds of ministry, seek out a good mentor or a therapist. A mentor can provide a sympathetic ear (they’ve been there, after all) and let you know how they were able to endure what you going through and answer the questions you are currently facing. Or maybe a therapist if you sense that what you are experiencing is more than simply the rigors of ministry and may, in fact, be depression or higher-than-normal levels of anxiety. A therapist also provides a good listening ear, some concrete solutions and strategies, and truth be told, they’re a lot easier to find than a mentor. 

But wherever you are in ministry, you need a spiritual director- someone to help you hear the voice of God over the din of ministry. A spiritual director can come in many shapes- maybe another pastor who will be a sounding board and who will commit to helping you discern how God is speaking in your life. Or maybe someone who works formally as a director and has training. 

It’s possible to find someone who will combine the best aspects of mentoring, coaching and spiritual direction. Someone who’s been-there-and-done-that when it comes to your stage in life and stage in ministry, someone who’s trained as a coach and knows the coaching process, but also is keenly aware that they best thing they can do, even more than helping you figure out your own goals and how to reach them,  is help you listen for the voice of God and figure out how to respond appropriately. 

But whoever you find, I would urge you to find someone. Loneliness is rampant in ministry, and between the increasing number of people being trained as coaches and spiritual directors, in addition to technologies like Skype or FaceTime, there’s just no reason why everybody can’t have somebody. 

(Interested in finding out more about coaching? Click here .)

How It Is Now Is Not How It Will Always Be

By Bob Hyatt • 20 Mar, 2024
One of the main tricks in life, I believe, is not to extrapolate current conditions and circumstances off into the future. However, that’s exactly the tendency we have as humans, and especially, I’ve discovered, as ministry leaders. We look at things now and think they will always be that way. We long to see landmarks in the road, mileposts that tell us either we have now reached the pinnacle, the place we always dreamed of being (even if that place is only “stability”), or conversely, the bottom has fallen out and now is the time to bail out. But the mileposts are merely markers on the journey, telling us where we are now, promising nothing of the journey ahead. And so, when things are good, we see nothing but success and good times stretching out in front of us. In the depths of despair, during the most challenging times of life and ministry we feel as though the darkness has become the new normal. The reality is much more complex: there are always better times ahead, and worse ones as well. During those dark times, when ministry becomes more of a weight than a joy, I tell myself, “whatever is happening now will not keep happening forever.” Those words have kept me through relational breaks in our staff that seemed unfixable, through budget woes when we didn’t think we were going to meet payroll, even a time when our community lost a third of its members because we had let a beloved pastor go. In this way I have found hope. In the same way, during the successful times when we were growing, budget was bigger than ever, and when new people were engaging with the church seemingly every week I continued to tell myself, “what is happening now will not keep happening forever.” In this way I have found a measure of humility. There’s another way to read this mantra as well, one that encourages us not to miss what is happening right now as we overly focus on where we’d like to be or what we’d like to see happen. The challenge of ministry, like the challenge of life in general, is to be present to what’s happening now . Too many single people miss the joys of singleness longing to be married. Too many young married couples miss the joys of the early years without children because they long to be parents. Too many parents of young children miss the joys of the infant years, longing for the days when their children are more independent, less dependent on them for everything. And on it goes. In the same way we in ministry can miss the joys of a small, close community by looking at larger communities and wishing we had their resources and influence. We can miss the inherent learning and even joy of being shoulder to shoulder in community with others through challenging times because the difficulties and pain we are experiencing mask the ways in which we are being brought together, the ways in which we are being formed and the invaluable things we are learning. In life, and in ministry, remember: How it is now is not how it will always be. Learn to appreciate how things are now, but also take comfort in the fact that if things are difficult, there are better days ahead. Stay humble because no success is forever. Stay hopeful because, in Christ, no failure is permanent.

Exciting Announcement- Ecclesia is Joining Ascent!

By Chris Backert • 19 Feb, 2024
I’m writing to share some exciting and important news with you that we believe will be significant for Ecclesia in the days ahead! For the last few years, I have been engaged with other church and network leaders across the US and Canada about forming a new “connection” for the church in North America. The heart of the effort is around unifying, amplifying, and multiplying the kind of Christian witness that Ecclesia represents, for the sake of the gospel, over the next few decades. This new effort is called The Ascent Movement, and within the last 12 months, its momentum has picked up increasing speed. A few months ago, I was asked by the council of Ascent if I would help spearhead the development of the network in its next phase. I agreed to accept that task. One of the core goals of Ascent is to connect, coordinate, and collaborate with groups like Ecclesia so that we can do more together than we could in isolation. In many ways, it will function as a “network of networks” like Ecclesia functions as a “network of churches”. In addition to ministries like Ecclesia, there are also seminaries, mission agencies, and other ministry support organizations that are joining Ascent in these early days. For the last several months the Ecclesia board has been discerning whether or not Ecclesia would officially enter into a partnership affiliation with Ascent. We unanimously affirmed that decision at our recent board meeting. Since Ascent is in its early phases of formation, more information on the benefits and opportunities of this new partnership will be ongoing. However, we are happy to share some of the aspects of this new affiliation that we find compelling and will not only bless Ecclesia, but also all of the churches within Ecclesia. First, given the size of Ecclesia, there have always been areas of ministry that we believe are important, but toward which we have not had the scale to accomplish or contribute. Among these are concrete efforts around - increasing the witness of the Hispanic church in North America - supporting mission expansion to less-resourced parts of North America - increasing opportunities for disaster relief and response - and mobilizing prayer networks. Further, there are also specific and tangible benefits that are made possible through this partnership for any Ecclesia Churches. Some of these include things like - discounted tuition costs to Truett Seminary for any Ecclesia leader or member serving an Ecclesia Church. - discounted rate in utilizing the services of Chemistry Staffing for future hiring - access to a church-based missionary sending ministry for those Ecclesia Churches engaged globally, and more! Lastly, there is a specific aspect to this partnership affiliation that is particularly helpful to Ecclesia. Ascent has agreed to partner with Ecclesia over the next year to expand our church planting and multiplication reach in a way that benefits both Ecclesia and Ascent. Practically, this looks like Ascent investing a little over $1,000/month into Ecclesia over this next year and together working toward a set of mutually beneficial goals. As I think about this opportunity within the current moment of our network, it seems right for multiple reasons beyond the purely practical. At our Ecclesia board meeting in late 2022, we established a path for individual affiliation within Ecclesia to make concrete space for leaders who are outside ministry contexts that allow for our core congregational affiliation. The heart of this decision was a desire to increase the kinds of relationships that Ecclesia has within our scope of ministry. The decision to affiliate with Ascent is similar. Also, as I shared at our Ecclesia Gathering in January, this decision fits within the Core DNA of Ecclesia. When I look back at the founding of our network, three aspects were central then and have carried forward. First, our desire to extend the gospel to increasingly post-Christian, or more challenging, settings and groups of people. Second, a desire to exemplify a Christian witness aligned with the theological and missiological direction of affirmations like the Capetown Commitment. Third, our desire to provide a relationally rich journey of friendship for the churches and leaders who are part of our family. When I consider the affiliation with Ascent, we share in common those first two Core DNA. As for the 3rd foundational aspect of our network, I believe the time has come where Ecclesia itself needs “friends for the journey” in the same way that Ecclesia has provided a context of friendship for those within our community. On the other side of COVID, it’s clear that ministry in the days ahead is more exciting, while also more challenging and complex. We believe we need a greater community to be the most faithful to the gospel that we can. You can go to www.ascentmovement.org to get a quick glimpse of its vision. The current website is a placeholder for a more thorough site coming later this Spring. Ecclesia, of course, will have a seat at the table in its formation. We have also provided a one-page overview of Ascent on the attached document. We will keep you updated on this exciting development. Please feel free to reach out with any questions. - Chris
Share by: